Season’s Greetings from the NPCD Board of Pardons and Paroles

by LL Garland

Dear Inmate #72682,

We regret to inform you that your request for parole has been denied.

While we were truly moved by your testimony of personal growth and improvement during your recent parole hearing, several Board members expressed grave doubts concerning your full rehabilitation based on several factors. Our issues are as follows:

  1. It seems you have continued to mull wine in your cell despite our previous warnings. Your jolly red nose looked a little too bulbous to be caused by cheeriness alone. Further, we detected a distinct whiff of cinnamon on your breath.
  2. We are delighted that you take great pleasure in the Christmas Eve aspects of being a work-release Santa. However, referring to your duties as “breaking and entering” is highly concerning. After all, housebreaking is what originally landed you at the North Pole over a century ago.

Despite these lumps of coal on your record, by all accounts, your attitude has markedly improved since your last hearing. The Board appreciates that you’ve ceased referring to guard elfs as your ‘little helpers’ and have gone decades since indulging in fisticuffs with the other Santas of Cell Block Tinsel.

We enjoyed reading the positive report from your supervising elf. Officer Frostjoy had nothing but merry and bright words concerning your output in the workshop. And since the scooter recall of 2013, your toy-making—while not as refined as we would like—has been decidedly less careless. We applaud the initiative you showed in retaking the “Let it Glow” electrician training program.

Alas, the deciding factor in our decision was brought to our attention by Mrs. Claus herself. The Warden presented shocking evidence of your involvement in the gruesome incident last Boxing Day. While it wasn’t your soot-stained hands that garroted poor Officer Jangle, the footage clearly shows you provided your fellow Kringle with the deadly popcorn garland. Pursuant to North Pole Corrections Department Code KR1-6.7(s), any Father Christmas caught in possession of unauthorized tree-trimmings and hall-deckings receives a quarter-century extended sentence on the Naughty List. 

As one of our longest-serving inmates, the Board expects more of you. You should know better. Warden Claus sees you when you’re sleeping. She knows when you’re awake.

Additionally, your transfer request to the stables has been denied. In light of the above revelations, we find your sudden interest in reindeer care to be rather suspect. You should know, all reindeer have been microchipped and are monitored 24/7. W need not remind you, no Santa has ever successfully escaped the North Pole.

We will revisit your case in twenty-five years. We encourage you to use this time in the Workshop wisely. We highly recommend our “There’s Noel in Team” self-improvement course.

’Tis the season to re-Advent yourself,

NPCD Parole Board


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